What Could Have Been

I’ll start this post of with a little introduction about myself, since this is for my post for this website.

cropped family

I didn’t have one of these kind of lives. With a mom, a dad, and a brother or sister, it was a lot less than that…

My name is Felicia, I am 28 years old. I am a recovering opiate addict. I am born of a single mother, who raised me along with my grandmother, who also was a single mother. My mother had me when she was 16, same age my grandmother had her. If you can’t tell already, life hasn’t been to kind for us. Growing up, I made my self into a social outcast. I purposefully stayed out of the way from other people with the belief that nobody would like who I was, because I didn’t like who I was. I felt my family were the only people who could love me. I didn’t have friends growing up, and I stayed away from people as often as I could. I rejected conversation and chose to stay in my own corner, with my own thoughts for the majority of my young life until I reached high school.

young kids

First year of high school, I sought out the other social outcasts. I went to a small elementary school where my class size was about 20 students, so there wasn’t much room for new friendships. But, in high school, my class size was 500, so I had tons of people who would possibly be my friend, yet, I tried to stay hidden. I would eat my lunch in the women’s bathroom, do my homework in a silent corner of the school where nobody ever found me, I was a ghost among the thousands of people at school, and it was all done by my choice.

About halfway through the first quarter of school, me being the loner I was, sitting in the bathroom during lunch, someone else came in and sat in there for the whole lunch. I figured they were actually utilizing the toilet unlike I, but then, the next day they returned. Then again after the weekend, I was somewhat intrigued. Someone definitely knew I was also in there, but they kept returning to the bathroom to sit there during lunch. After another day of this, I decided to skip out on eating lunch on the toilet, and instead, take a huge risk, and just stand in the bathroom acting like I am washing my hands, and see who walks into the stall. Well, the first day, she had actually already beat me to the bathroom, so I stayed just outside the stall, the whole time, so that when lunch was over, she couldn’t get around me. As the lunch bell rang signifying the end of lunch, she walked out of the bathroom, and I recognized who it was. Callie Longsnapper, she was the girl who was missing two of her middle fingers on her right hand. I didn’t say anything, i just looked at her, and then we both continued on with our day.

The following day during lunch, I was already in the stall eating my lunch when Callie walked into the bathroom and began on hers during lunch. I gained enough courage, and when I knew nobody else was in the bathroom, I asked her why she is eating in here. She told me that she tried eating in the bathroom near the cafeteria, but the sun was on it during lunch time and it made it very hot in there. I asked why she is eating in here. She told me that she didn’t know, she guessed she always had in school, she just wanted to get away from people staring at her for a little bit.

From there on, we started to talk about school, and our lives. We both didn’t know why we wanted to be such loners and away from social interaction. We both said that we weren’t sure if we could acclimate into school life anymore because of how long we have avoided people for. At the end of the lunch, we both talked to eachother until we each went to class, and it was the strangest experience of my life. I never felt awkward in the whole conversation, and it got me thinking, what could have been if I just opened my mouth for once and tried to talk to people. Am I really that bad, or do I just make myself think that. I no longer wanted to be a loner, I wanted to try and talk to people to figure out who I really am, because to be honest, I didn’t know.

The following weeks, Callie and I had lunch out on the school lawn. We still were in our own little corner, but we discovered that nobody would really bother us if we didn’t make eye ┬ácontact with anyone. It was the first time at least in my life I started to somewhat understand how this social interaction thing worked, and it was thrill to experience it in the slightest.

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