Callie and I were using everyday in our pig-sty of a trailer home. We were alone the majority of the time, just with each other. The lifestyle was unhealthy, we were filthy regularly, we were talking crazy talk day in and day out, and we were both stuck in a pit of depression.
I saw my mom regularly, we used together. My grandmother still took care of her, but we were living in poisonous circumstances.
2 out of the 3 relationships I had with people were toxic for my health.
The year was 2008. I remember when we were in the midst of the economic collapse. Callie and I talked about this everyday. But, since we were always on the dope, we did not do too much to save our circumstances and improve our lives.
I thought about my life regularly up until this point. After getting through puberty, my hormonal brain wasn’t as erratic as it was at this point in my early 20’s. I thought about the choices I made throughout life that led me here. One thing that led me on the path upward was living in this trailer park, having contact with many people from vastly older generations. These people were not the healthiest bunch, but there were people who were in their mid-80’s who I occasionally spoke with. I though that at this point in my life, I may have only lived a quarter, a fifth, or even a sixth of my potential life so far, and I already got past the hardest part. Childhood is where people are developed, and I had so much more of my life to change who I was, there was no sense in continually damaging it.
After what I told myself was my last dose, I began cleaning up the house at 6 am, and worked continually with some eating breaks until midnight. I did not use the next morning, the first time in months, and I got to work cleaning again. I hadn’t seen Callie in days, so there was no distraction for me at this point. The following day, I called an exterminator to fumigate the trailer. For the time being, I stayed in my neighbors car while the guys were at work. When I sat in this car for the next 8 hours, I truly contemplated my life and the next steps that will come before me. I was 2 days sober, the longest I had been in over a year. I was dealing with terrible withdrawal symptoms, but the positive outlook I had on life trumped most of the pain I was feeling from the withdrawal. I had decided I need to make an honest decision about where I wanted to go with my life and if I wanted to change who I was as a person.
I had spent my whole life isolating myself, not necessarily worrying about other people, but just worrying about what to think about and the ideas going on in my funky mind. I considered myself a very creative person, but never took up trying to hone in on my creativity that I carried. If I wanted to truly make a drastic change, it began with staying away from the crud. I promised myself I would stay away from the hard drugs, I was going cold turkey, and I was going to overcome my struggles. The drugs affected me in ways that made me feel so fantastic and great when the reality of my circumstances were terrible. But the feeling of wasting away at the hands of external forces were what pained me the most. I committed to staying clean and changing my life for the positive. Knowing the way the world economy was organized and who were the people living good lives, I set myself on a goal to accumulate as much wealth as possible. I wanted to become a top player in the world, to change the life of myself, my mother, my grandmother, even Callie. I wanted to be able to relax in my life. I had come to terms that I was no fan of the education system, and I did not want to succumb to debt to get a degree to ultimately end up with a job that I hate. I wanted to own things, and accumulate assets and protect myself for the future. The trajectory that the world is going is a technologically based one. In this economy though, the capitalist wins. I had feared for technology taking away so many jobs from people, and without money changing hands more often, the rich would ultimately collect more wealth, while the poor split what little opportunity there is. With this new frame of mind, my journey was beginning. After the house was done fumigating, Callie stumbled home, I stepped out of the car, greeted her, told her of my next step in my life, she was ecstatic, the journey was beginning